h1

The Shinji-Kamina Manliness Scale

November 7, 2007

Originally encounted trawling the delicious archives of Derailed By Darry, the Shinki-Kamina Manliness scale is an arbitrary measurement of a character’s… well.. ‘manliness‘ along a scale of 1 through 10, 1 being the lowest of the low – aka Shinji from Evangelion, and 10 being the epitome of testorone and burning spirit rawr. I couldn’t find and actual scale though, so I’ve come up with one of my own.

From lowest to highest factor of manliness, heroism and GAR

#1: Shinji. A pathetic mewling whelp, Shinji spends a good portion of Evangelion crying about some shit or another. Daddy doesn’t love me. Redhead schoolgirls beat up on me. This skintight plugsuit makes my butt look fat. If Shinji were any more emo he’d have worn spiky collars, black mascara and My Chemical Romance shirts throughout the series.

#2: Jun Sakurada of Rozen Maiden. Ok, the wimp collects barbies for one. Granted they walk around and talk and fight and shit, but that doesn’t change the fact he likes dolls and plushies. Not only that, he hangs out in his room all day too afraid to face reality because his schoolmates called him a nerd. Oh Jesus Harold Christ, cry me a river. His hobby? Sewing. Ugh. He barely edges past Shinji in the manliness scale due to eventually sort of dealing with his situation, but he still routinely cries about his Bratz figurines bashing each other up.

#3: Keitarou, Love Hina. The guy runs a girl’s hostel, with wall to wall ass. None of which he ever scores. He rarely even tries to. Add to that a weak physique, no combat abilities of any kind, and an equally weak will. Keitarou takes no chances, ever, and so lands himself quite convincingly at #3.

#4: Noata, FLCL. In his defense he’s just a kid, but for heaven’s sake, man! You can spawn giant robots out of your head, you have a horndog hotsex alien beeyotch sleeping in your top bunk, a poor schoolgirl living under a bridge practically tearing your clothes off and the powers of the Pirate King, and all you do is whine about how hard you supposedly have it, how bored you are or some other trival bull. Goddamn son, grow a pair.

#5: Kintaro Oe, Golden Boy. The man likes poon. I mean, he really, really likes it, going so far as to gargle toilet water from the women’s crapper. I can respect that level of perversion, oh yus. He’s got a great work ethic and will do anything to get laid. His yearning to learn is certainly typical of the inventiveness of man and our lust for knowledge. But he’s a bumbling (albeit lucky) idiot who, as a result, never does get laid, always leaving a string of moist-pantsu’d girls behind. He plays the early game like a star but bails out in the home stretch each time. And bicycles are gay.

#6: Shiro, of Fate/Stay Night. Shiro can do magic or some shit, and goes on a quest to retrieve the Holy Grail so he can stop the Grail War. Ooh. Noble, perhaps. But he falls for a chick who should, actually, by all acounts be a guy. He’s kinda crappy at fighting too, relying on Saber – albeit grudgingly- to do his dirty work. He exhibits many traits that, theoretically, should place him higher on the list, but I never could shake the feeling that he was just a bit of a whiny, emo prat. Now Archer on the other hand… oh… wait…

#7: Naruto. Oh Naruto, how we love to hate, and hate to love, you. You like the simple things in life, like good food and friendship, and will do anything to protect those you value. But being slapped (both literally and emotionally) around by a pink haired emo girl you dote on, who couldn’t really give a toss if you piss or go fishing, when there’s another serious piece of grade-a tail just itching to jump your bones (it’s so bloody obvious), earns you a big helping of fail. I’d have kicked that bitch Sakura to the curb and hooked up with some Hinata goodness ages ago, never mind slapped the smarm off Sasuke’s face when I had the chance. Seriously son, some things are a lost cause.

#8: Vash the Stampede, from Trigun. Oh sure, he had a wicked cool gun and blew up the moon, and saved a couple towns from dickheaded cyborgs, but painfully deprecating humility and wacky hijinx do not necessarily a manly man make. A good solid 8 on the chart though.

#9: Spike, of Cowboy Bebop fame. O hells yeah, Spike was a man’s man. Mad skills, a sweet ride, and being a bounty hunter is a manly-ass job. Spike not only rolled with the big dogs of anime manliness, he was one of them. Pity he never sucked it up and tapped Faye’s fine posterior, so for that he get a -1.

#10: The man himself, Kamina of Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. Kamina oozes balls-out testosterone and has some of the best lines in anime, ever. A born leader and example to man-wannabe’s everywhere. He knows what he wants and he goes for it, be it love, revenge, or justice. And who the hell else could wear those crazy as shit shades and make them look so damn cool?

And so with that, this blog salutes Kamina, the Chuck Norris of anime.

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. Well the list is pretty useless, except if used as a frame of reference … is there any way of determining which one a person falls under, otherwise what was the motivation behind it?


  2. Motivation? Heh, there wasnt any really. Does ‘for the lulz’ count?


  3. KAMINA IS AWESOME!!!


  4. I’d personally move Shinji up a notch or three and put Jun Sakurada at the bottom.

    I have two reasons for this.

    1, the whiny-sarcastic-little-bitch scent that you get from Shinji–and you’re not the only one–is just about 100% an artifact of Spike Spencer’s voice acting, aided and abetted by Tiffany Grant’s “imaginative reinterpretation” of the characters. In the Japanese version he’s quiet, polite, and fake-cheerful just about all the time, and only gets emo when he’s alone. That counts for something, I think. It’s culturally very Japanese, too. Self-control and hiding negative emotions are in Japanese culture regarded as proper and admirable conduct. From the Japanese cultural perspective, the negative parts of Shinji’s personality are that he constantly seeks his father’s approval, even though the viewer and everybody else can see that Gendou Ikari doesn’t give a rat’s ass about his son, and that he fears rejection and so doesn’t take the initiative in his dealings with others. Hedgehog’s Dilemma, and all that. Well, towards the very end of the series he’s pretty clearly falling apart emotionally, but I’m talking about who he is for the first 80% of NGE–that is, basically Charlie Brown with a giant robot.

    2, Episode 19, and the battle against Zeruel, Archangel of Might. There is some debate in NGE fan circles about how much of the other battles is actually Shinji and how much is his mom’s ghost, trapped in the machine, going batshit to protect her son. This is sort of arguable and semi-defensible because we don’t always get to see what’s going on in the cockpit, and Shinji does black out a lot during combat. But in episode 19, he stomps a mudhole in Zeruel’s ass all by himself, just after Zeruel slapped down both Rei and Asuka, taking both of them completely out of the fight in a matter of seconds. We see him go out to do battle “fangs out and hair on fire,” and he is, just for once, awesome. He’s not just awesome, he’s awesomely awesome. He is fearless and crazy and unstoppable. The Angel tears his arm off and he RIPS OFF ONE OF THE ANGEL’S ARMS AND STICKS IT ON THE STUMP. PWNED! He kicks ass and takes names and SAVES THE WORLD.


  5. Er, what happened to Archer? Isn’t he the original GAR?


  6. Kintaro is quite different in the manga, he once scores a whole girls band 😛



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: